My husband and I hardly ever get into disagreements. So much so that when I was reading the Seven Principles to Making Marriage Work I couldn't remember how we argued last time--it was like 3 years ago. I was trying to compare how we argued on Thanksgiving about how to make Watergate salad.
But then yesterday we had a confusing situation with our money and incurred some overdraft fees. I knew that if we called the bank and explained the situation they would return those fees. My husband was more emotional when he called them wanting to know how the situation happened. Because of that they said they couldn't refund the overdraft fees.
So the argument started when I tried to explain that we could get the overdraft fees back but would need to call them back. He was still very emotional and got upset really quickly telling me that I was lecturing him. Then he left to go cool down. That used to really upset me, but I know now how important it is for him to walk away.
I called the bank and got the money back, then I went to tell him that it was ok. The whole time I was thinking about this chapter--how people argue is more important than that they argue. I think that made me act a certain way, but still, it was almost reassuring to be able to see that we didn't have any of the four horsemen in our conversation and my husband accepted my attempts at reconciliation. I was almost grateful for this opportunity to evaluate our marriage by how we argue.
I also used the information in the chapter to realize that he was flooded with emotion because of the situation and talking to the bank people. I honestly could have avoided the whole situation if I had just called them instead of telling him what he had done wrong. It was a great learning experience!
Last night I told my husband about what I'd read and that I was pretty happy with how well we negotiated the situation. We talked about the way that the author could determine the health of the marriage from just one argument. It was really great!
But then yesterday we had a confusing situation with our money and incurred some overdraft fees. I knew that if we called the bank and explained the situation they would return those fees. My husband was more emotional when he called them wanting to know how the situation happened. Because of that they said they couldn't refund the overdraft fees.
So the argument started when I tried to explain that we could get the overdraft fees back but would need to call them back. He was still very emotional and got upset really quickly telling me that I was lecturing him. Then he left to go cool down. That used to really upset me, but I know now how important it is for him to walk away.
I called the bank and got the money back, then I went to tell him that it was ok. The whole time I was thinking about this chapter--how people argue is more important than that they argue. I think that made me act a certain way, but still, it was almost reassuring to be able to see that we didn't have any of the four horsemen in our conversation and my husband accepted my attempts at reconciliation. I was almost grateful for this opportunity to evaluate our marriage by how we argue.
I also used the information in the chapter to realize that he was flooded with emotion because of the situation and talking to the bank people. I honestly could have avoided the whole situation if I had just called them instead of telling him what he had done wrong. It was a great learning experience!
Last night I told my husband about what I'd read and that I was pretty happy with how well we negotiated the situation. We talked about the way that the author could determine the health of the marriage from just one argument. It was really great!
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